Feverish bewilderment. . .

January 14, 2007
4:04:00 PM

Maybe there's alot of type of different ways of expessing how you love someone..just like human, got all sort of character..

Somtimes i really think that maybe mummy dont love me that much...she's those very typical type of "60s~70s" mum that think giving birth to a girl is just to help up with household chores, and girls are kind of useless, after all after they got married they no longer carries the family name..

when i was young..maybe because im the only ger at home, both brothers are alway neglecting me and find that im very troublesome..im alway lonely and cried very easily...i cried when mum's choose to bring bro out when im having tuition (becuz of that im being mark "da xiao jie pi qi" by my tutor")..i cried when mum ask bro to have dinner without mentioning my name...i cried when mum give me "black face" and talking to my bro using those super sweet and gentle mum's voice...i cried when mum alway scold me for not helping up with housework even when im busy and having my brother relaxing infront of the tv and still got so much love from mum..i even complaint to grandma "thousand" of times that i think mummy dont like me and maybe im really like what mum alway said pick from the dustbin...each time ah ma will console me and tell me mummy love me alot and did alot for me...i'll usually feel very very guilty talking bad abt my mum...but after so long..it seem that im abit numb in all those unfairness i felt before..

Come to think that maybe is just a different type of "love" i am getting from mum..which is in one way different from how she treated my bro...both my brother are independant and need not mum to worry too much abt them..they're usually the top in class..very capable..and im alway very lazy, dependant and careless and gotten into a normal stream class..

Mum was alway urging me to get marry faster, she pressurize me to get marry after "bak to-ing" so long with ian (super scare i got cheated)..after i broke off with ian..finally i gotten some peace moment..but she's not for long..with barely one month with wk..she started her pressurization..but i rather think her intention was mend good to me..since getting married in the "60s~70s" was the most fortunate things for a woman...

Is a different kind of love im getting...as a ger...mum was super unhappy when im moving to yishun...even though she wan me to move out fast but not so far from her..she's also complaining that i should not have give in to my in-laws and should have taken the house at hougang..i know her intention wasnt bad..is for the goodsake of me..at least she can stll look after me if my husband bully me..but in one way im being put in a very problematic position..my in law too wanted their son to stay near them and wk wunt me happy if his mum was not happy (we nearly gotten a unit near my mum house..but my in-law was really upset and my husband too look moody)..now..mum told me "next time anything happened to you dont come back and look for us"..is really hurting..she also keep asking me when im moving out..and she's hoping i move out fas before chinese new yr..those words are cold though..but maybe she dont meant bad..im just too sensitive...but i can feel that mummy really love me..just that is not as much as she loves both my brothers..

sometimes i really wonder...what is there's no "me" at home...who gonna help her? come to think that i've never seen my brothers holding a broom before..no washin of dishes after food, no tidying of rooms..at least im the only child that have learnt to do all those...though im lazy at times..

until next time..

ElusiveCharm [Recorded on] 4:04:00 PM

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